Err Umm Hi, Part 2
I NEVER thought I’d be typing this again…. If you’re going to just click onto another window, or close it altogether, here’s a funny pic of baby's allegedly fighting, so you don’t feel like you’ve wasted your time…
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| Brown footie-PJ's are for bitches... |
I’ll probably change it to a different font on word when it’s all done to mess with the aesthetics, but I figured to change it up a bit and put it in the colour-room, because you can't embed video and hi-res pics on a goddamn word processor.
I like change, but I’ve always feared it, just like most people, I guess. I suppose that’s one of the reasons I’ve been the way I’ve been since high school. My environment changed a lot, from high school 2 high school, town to town, IBM hub to IBM hub and then Colorado, and stability was never really an option, only fluidity. Being able to adapt from one scenario to the next was always one of my stronger points…. until now. I never thought that a woman, and a woman like YOU for that matter, would have the hold on me that you do… I’m honored for that, but please understand this more than any of the BS that I’ve tried to get you to understand: It’s a TON of pressure. You apply some of that pressure by wanting me to be more, but make no doubt about it; I apply most of that pressure to myself. In my mind, not having J Ryan’s, or a job as lucrative of that = NO GF. You stayed with me before, but this time I wanted to prove to you that I wasn’t really the person you met a as underemployed Randy. I wanted to prove to you that I have been and can be the man you want to protect you and shield you from the mistakes and challenges your parents faced. Problem is that I modeled my behavior after my volatile dad’s, mainly because he essentially did what you, and every woman on earth would want their man to do: Get a bangin’ job, provide for the fam so mom could potentially stay at home… I was 1/3 of the way there… That J Ryan’s job was management, and I had 2 more months to go in my mind before I would have started applying for a 9-5 management job (I ended up getting a 7-230 job at the beginning of Jan, anyway) and then after baseball season, I’d have had my debts paid up enough and actual factual savings in my account so I could have had the fluidity to do the things we wanted to do in life… Can you understand now WHY I was so miserable during December? Those dreams were getting as cloudy and as disturbing as the dreams I face every night when I see your face now.
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| The cul-de-sac signs weren't in the city's budget |
Losing that J Ryan’s job was the beginning of me figuring out that I wasn’t as malleable as I thought. I really was optimistic after the first day. I hit every place I could, took interviews, and even got hired at a place; (UPC) and then they flaked on the 27th. Funny thing was that I never stopped looking even AFTER they supposedly hired me. I spent money on Xmas, on you & Jake, 80, and Sal. Things were going OK…. They coulda been a lot better, but I had you, my health, a job coming up in April and prospects. Then I started watching your dogs…
The amount of worry that enveloped me when I saw Sam running back and forth up and down the street and not coming when called was huge. Not because his stupid head would have been smashed by a dump truck and the hard explanation that would have ensued would have caused you to harbor resentment for me, but more because Sam is a great companion, and the heartache that you & Jake would have suffered would have been too hard for me to watch, and I would have been responsible for that heartbreak. I can deal with the anger towards me; I wouldn’t have been able to deal with the fact that I caused you that pain. Plus you know I’m fond of him, and all your boys for that matter… Sam slept with me like a teddy bear every night, but ever since the surprise party you threw me, the only teddy bear I ever wanted was you… I fucking gave LUKE to 80 right after that… ( I’ve since taken him back, lol)
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| "I knew Teddy Ruxspin was dirty..." |
After the last two NYE’s and xmas’s, I felt honored that you wanted me around… Having you gone this xmas was tremendously hard for me… The two days that you were here waiting on your plane were amazing… we ate, we laughed, and we argued and rose above it. We are amazing together when the stars align, and everyone can see that… I hate xmas, but was starting to actually enjoy it, mainly because you liked it so much, and to be honest, it was just a pretense to spend time with you and Jake. A time where we didn’t have to worry about the boys, and just enjoy each other’s company and not have to worry about our lives for the day or so… My meaning for that wretched holiday gained new meaning: Time with You. And I bought in last year for the most part… Even after that crappy NYE show we went to last year, the smile on your face in pics from that night always gave me something to work for, and something to keep in mind when I was down and when I was thinking about stopping…
Here are the factors that led up to that day specifically:
1) Your dog escaped AGAIN that morning, and I spent most of the morning corralling him, and stressed that I wouldn’t have been able to get him in time, which I did. That made it 6 times in the 7 days you were gone.
2) My job deal…. Yes it sucked, but I was being a diva…However I knew it would resolve itself by Jan. I got my UI and another job since then… It pays the bills, and I’m on the up and up making headway towards baseball season and more jobs to come… I’m thinking I’m getting hired at AnoPlate by the end of the month and finally getting the 9-5pm job I’ve needed forever…
3) I had 4 children, myself, the 3 dogs and Renee in the house, and no maid… That = a frazzled Randy
4) I had a GF that seemed annoyed to talk to me when I was open to talk and chat, and was supportive TO A POINT when I was sad or upset. I’ll elaborate on that later on in this
5) my pissyness resulting from the previous 4 entries… It’s still no excuse to take it out on someone coming to home to CNY from Florida. (that’s bad enough right there…lol.) But throw in Gramma not doing well, and you had a full mind of issues and dealing with my lame ass didn’t help the argument progress…
6) I should have let what you said blow off my shoulders… when you said ‘I wish you were different…” I wrongly took it as “I wish you were someone else…”
I was miserable, but I’m not ALWAYS miserable. I was just letting it the whole month’s worth of bad things beat me down… But I never let it take me over except for the week you were gone. And I’m SO FUCKING TRULY SORRY FOR THAT. I was a tool, and was acting the diva I made you out to be… Take out the fact that you wanted LOVE and help with your bags, because I’m automatically wrong for that because of my anger towards you… Anger is born out of need and miscommunication…. I needed to be with you after 7 days of not being around you for Xmas, and I mis-communicated HOW IMPORTANT I FELT nye was to us, and the car situation I was in as well… (BAD BRAKES, low gas, no money for another week) No one is denying that you drove here a ton, but that’s something I felt we resolved the LAST time we broke up in August, and with Xmas out of the way, that would’ve opened up more opportunities to see each other more often…
I felt that this was a major tenet of our last break up, doing what was uncomfortable or what the other person didn’t necessarily want to do, but what was best for US or our kids when the times were rough… I took the last break up to heart and tried to use that to change how I looked at the trips to Utica and back for both of us, and appreciated more… I kinda thought that after watching your pooches and dealing with what I had to deal with this time around watching them that a 2 hour excursion in the car woulda been nothing at all… Yes, you offered the money for the drive, but my car was buried under feet of snow that I had been fighting with all week, my brakes were toast, and I hadn’t spent any time with the most important woman in my life’s history… Call me sentimental, or just mental, but that 1 hour in the car holding your hand and singing Chaka Khan or listening to backspin is/was like gold to me. Times like that solidified our connection, that thing that no one else has but us… I always said this in bed, but meant it out of it and in many ways beyond the bedroom: Balls deep, in my arms or holding hands, I love you all the way thru… I meant and still mean every word of that… But it goes further than that in my head… I mean I LOVE YOU even if I’m pissed at you or things are going great… Sometimes I feel like you ONLY ENJOYED being with me at shows, or in bed. I’m sorry I was so needy on this level, but sometimes I need some reassurances from you… Real love is being able to tell someone they’re fucking up sometimes… But you’re a lot better at that than I am in the presentation and the delivery, however I’m getting better and I’ve you to thank for that…
I accept your flaws, and always have and try to work through them and let you change them on your own, but at that time, I was upset, and that put me over the top mad… If this convo happened Two months prior, we woulda worked thru it… Throw in all the above factors and Xmas and the hurt I felt because it seemed from the go that you didn’t want to hang with me that night and usher in a new era for us…. I felt like You str8 up didn’t wanna hang with me that night AT ALL, mainly because of how you handled the plans for NYE two days prior to your return home… I can’t blame you, but it still hurt, because the time we had talked about spending together and having our special xmas day was taking a back seat to your wants and needs… The needs, I get it.. you’ve got obligations to your home and work… you gotta get back home… (That was ME in the August break up..) But you said it str8 up, “I always do what I want…” Your flippancy on this didn’t really help, and it showed to ME what I showed to you last August, ie, that sometimes in this relationship, one of us, or both of us, doesn’t want to budge or make concessions. That shit is SO easily fixable… Question is, Why would you want to fix it? I’ll ask that again later in my closer… (if you work here you gotta close… SEE CLIP)
I take you for your bad and your good and your str8 up awful…. Yes, I digitally freak out and remove pics from FB mainly to remove hurt and reminders of my own personal failures… But I’d never blow up our connection because of your attitude unless it was severely detrimental to 80 or my life… Was my sadness and attitude that horrible? It wasn’t great, but on the porch you said, “I wish you weren’t so pissy..” or something to that extent… “Well, I am, but we’re getting thru it,” I said as I pulled a drag…. You didn’t notice the smile I tried to give you then, just like the smile I tried to give you when we were in the car, because you were just staring out the window… I should have touched your hand first, I should have sacked up and helped you with your bags and I should do so much more for myself so I don’t get down like this… But the one thing I’ve learned from you and all this is that you can’t let life’s challenges become obstacles of self improvement… I used to let them own me, and did so for 3 years, and I hated that feeling, and did everything I could to stave it off…
I miss you…
I have a tendency to be a tad sarcastic when saying, “I’m wrong…” Especially when I just found out I was wrong… For this, I’m sorry. I get as defensive as you sometimes, and trust me when I say that it’s something that’s improving EVERY DAY… I’m still struggling with the fact that I seem to do it to women who are close to me in my life… I have no idea why, but the patience I NEED to display needs to be seen more by you or whoever chooses to mate up with me in the future… I know this now… If losing you is the way I need to learn this, then thanks I guess… But just know that if that’s the lesson I need to learn, not a smaller lesson has carried such a large price… I’ve gotten punished less harshly for more egregious faults in love, so I guess that’s why I’m so hurt….
Do you want to know how upset I’ve been since you’re gone?
-I haven’t eaten much and have lost 20 pounds.
-I cry every morning, and when I dream about you… good god, I’m useless all day… When I cry, my sinuses get all fucked up, and when my sinuses get messed up, they trigger migraines the migraines make mercy more and the circle ensues… It’s getting to the point that pot doesn’t help… My doctor & Doctor Max say I just need to get over you, but fuck them.
-I haven’t slept on my own bed since the dogs left… I keep finding their hairs and your hairs, and I just can’t bring myself to sleep there again.
-I’ve been on two dates, and left ½ way thru one, and cried through ½ of the other one… Every woman I talk to can read it all over my face…. That I’d rather be there with someone else, regardless of how pretty they are… They’re just not U, and more importantly, they’ll never have the ‘thing’ that we have….
(Good god, I can't get thru the first minute of that video without getting hysterical...)
That didn’t just happen with us, btw… WE WORKED ON IT, and NO, it’s not supposed to happen easily. That connection sparked, but it took a lot of work and tears and misunderstanding and then compromise to get that connection as strong as it was… I worked on it with Morgan just as much as you probably worked on it with Brendan. And when the other person is feeling that the other person isn’t feeling it as much as you are, then you feel like you’re ‘doing all the work in the relationship.” I know you felt this way with me, but ask yourself, “Did randy have all the possible skills and tools to make it the way I absolutely wanted, and did I put forth all the tools that I bring to the table to get the same result?” I think you’ll find that all the things we both brought to the relationship put together a ¾ to 7/8 full relationship. One of us was just going to have to take a risk to see if the balance would have been made up… And both of us have career aspirations and objectives that we need/ want to accomplish to setup our future regardless of our relationship… And I get that I wasn’t in a financial position to get there, yet… I was busy setting up my summer, more jobs and potentially saving up for a ring suitable for Angela Johnson… I would have been WAY out on a limb when I got to that junction asking you to marry me, provided my plan had actually gone thru. Besides you being with a slacker and the shit you got from your people because of that, how many limbs did you go out on for me? Did you ever ask staples or Grainger if there were any wharehouse jobs for me? Did you stop and notice the fact that I scrambled my ass off to get $800 cash together for my home and bills in two weeks when I first moved in? Wouldn’t that be enough proof that I could get the job done when pressure is applied? Other than not ‘loving you’ at terminal, why would you be upset that I’M upset when I picked u up? Go out on a limb and try to wrap your head around my fears and concerns instead of taking it as an attack… You get very defensive when you’re tired and cranky and drunk and etc… (the toothpaste incident was a symbol of that, and my patience got us thru it with no arguments, right?) I’m sorry I didn’t have any of that patience on pick up day, but everything had reached a head…
I probably have NEVER told you this.
There’s a more str8 up reason as to why I have issues with xmas… It’s not the misguided spirit of commercialism or the bs about seeing family or the traffic or even the crappy college football games… It’s just been a very traumatic period in my life.
One time my mom freaked out on all the kids on xmas eve in Colorado… So much so, that I ended up leaving for 6 months unannounced on xmas morning… She said a ton of hurtful things and was throwing gifts like Nolan Ryan, mostly towards me and Todd, and it was a clear breakdown on her part.
Every one of my grandparents (except Nana, my mother’s mom) have died around xmas time…
Two times I was dumped by my high school GF on xmas eve.
Xmas night in 2002 was the first day that Morgan tried to attack me… I ended up with a big ol’ shiner from that night… 80 was 11 days old at the time….
Xmas in 1998 I spent alone… It wasn’t so traumatic, but more sad than anything else… as my entire fam knew my number in SF, but only got one call from my sis…
Last year I caught that driving under suspension ticket…
2009 I had the Carisa fiasco start…
Then this year, losing my job and then all this made this years installment the WORST ever… Losing that job screwed me outta going to Florida with you for xmas, GOOD gifts for everyone and set about a chain of events that just rocked my psyche…
That’s just half of the craziness, and it’s just food for thought… I hate to bring all that past into my present… The last thing I wanted to do was talk about my past with you… We were always SO adept at looking forward and trying to make our future its absolute brightest. I feel like and felt like that I’m doing a good job of not burdening you with my issues. I try my hardest to insulate you from that negative emotion, but sometimes it gets to be very heavy… I tried SO hard to do that for you… I’m sorry it wasn’t enough… But do keep in mind that you were one of the reasons I began to look at it with less of a jaded view point.
Look, I don’t have a good closer this time.. Sorry, I’m just not the salesperson you are…
So I guess I’ll just spell it all out for you…
This time, it’s ME who’ll be asking for my best friend and lover back…
I’m not asking you to change, I’m not asking really for anything… It’s more of a plea… I have never been so sad in my life… I’m asking that you save my life in an indirect way… I used to think that if I could provide Morgan with a life that woulda been acceptable and opulent enough, that she’d stop her habits on her own volition… I thought that I was saving a life… In reality, I was slowly enabling her…. Here, there’s no addiction, no severe legal history, no pressures yet… Why would you want to fix this? Only because there's two people that truly care for each other deeper than anything they’ve ever felt, and their own ego’s and self image are holding them back from being happier in a relationship that they know could work, and bear fruit sooner than you think… I can live without you, but fuck, I don’t want to, or can even envision a reality where I’m happy like that… Like I said, I wasn’t in love with you at first, it took time….
But when it took hold, it held me so tight… So tight, that I got way too warm from the comfort… Now I’m freaking freezing... m21
PS- NOW, for schmaltz, we're putting tons of videos at the end of this... C'mon, I spin records... .Music and song are the ground in which our tree took root, and every once in a while the grass needs some tending... I love you ange, every day
This song from my youth took new meaning with you....
The 2nd best time i ever spent with you..
This song is all us...
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I felt like this with you
-Sometimes when you win, you lose... :(
I have tons more... but i'll spare you cause i don't wanna make u cry anymore
xo
